A Foreign Place.

WELL my first post that is actually published on my blog is my third actual draft, YEAP. So much for the hesitation and laziness within me. And while i was rereading those drafts, i realized that i wrote both when i was either depressed, or when i couldn't get my mind off something. Both actually show how negative i am as a human being. BUT at least for today, i am currently writing with no mood swings and it kinda feels greird. (great and weird)

Yes, the topic is supposed to be my first time living alone in Germany. Okay where do i start? Hmm living alone can be fun and boring sometimes, which is probably the reason i gained weight so quickly here. I was basically bored and got nothing to do, so my last resort was, EATING. For some reasons it's been hard for me to control my appetite. In fact, i think it's getting worse day by day. But i am still willing to change this rotten lifestyle i've been living and go back to my old healthy self.

What do i miss the most? There is no doubt that i miss my family the most. Well my dad to be exact. I miss his kindness, caring personality and the fact that he's willing to sacrifice anything for the ones he loves. Oh how i miss that. Here i stand alone. I solve my own problems and so do other people. My dad isn't around anymore to clean up my messes. I guess that's how i realized how life hard gets as i got older and independent.

Food. ah right. Right now i'm craving indonesian food so badly. It's not like i hate the food here, it was actually the opposite. The fact that i was able to gain weight so easily here, proves that my tastebud is more suitable for western food. BUT that doesn't make me a westerner though. My hometown still has the best food, memories and happiness in each every one of them.

Myself? Well i've change, i suppose...? I am no longer the person i used to be. What's worse, i am not getting better either, i'm actually in a confused state now. Sometimes weird questions came into my mind, like what is actually right and wrong. I am utterly confused of what i should do and i am getting no answer til this very day. What's worse is the fact that i close myself up from other people. I guess my trust problem has gotten even worse. But looking back at my past experiences, it's no surprise that  i was able to get to this point. This is probably why i haven't been getting answers. Cause i'm alone with no help from the outside world.

It's not just me who change though, my friends do too. The more you get to know someone, the more you realize, that nobody's perfect. They're pretty much the same as me, i got my horrible side and so do they. What matters is whether the person would want to accept the negativity or not. And i guess i'm kind of lucky since i still have friends:) 

Even so, i enjoy my time alone here. I've become a loner and i'm actually fine by it. WHICH MAKES IT EVEN HARDER FOR ME TO CHANGE. I guess everything has its own phase and i just have to let this phase pass by.... when it even happened though.

I haven't said much but that pretty much describe my current situation now. I guess i have made quite a progress by writing this post huh? Well hopefully everything turned out well later for all of us and our future:)

The Struggle.

Heya fellas.. It's been quite long i suppose? I haven't been writing again because i'm just mostly lazy and "quite" busy too. And the reason that i'm currently writing is still the same. If you've been reading my other post i guess you would know too. 

And before i start, i just wanna say i'm sorry if it's too fucking depressing:)

Life goes on. No matter you're ready or not, you still have to face the hardship of life. It will come to you sometimes. It gets tougher surely, but it will make you become a better person at the very least.

If people ask me, whether i have a huge problem or whatsoever, i'm gonna have to say no. Did i cause drama with people? No. Did i make someone mad? No. Am i currently struggling academically? No, oh well maybe a little. My life has always been pretty flat and the only problem that i've got, is within myself.

I can't really say specifically because i don't really understand it myself. But i know that i'm now miserable because apparently that's how my body and mind want to react.

Yes, i'm an extremely negative person. I tend to think everything pessimistically. And i always end up feeling horrible and sad.

People can't choose what they feel. That's what i thought. Or maybe i was wrong. Maybe i was the one who chose to feel that way, to make myself more and more miserable. Maybe this is also why i choose to hate myself.

My friends told me all sort of things like i have to love myself more, or that i have to think more positive, but they never work. Gosh, i don't even know how did i become this stubborn. The more problems i have, the more i become depressed, the more i think that i'm a really bad person and the more i despise myself.

These days, all i can feel is being tired. I'm tired. I don't know why and what i'm tired of but it's like something inside of me is slowly dying. Perhaps i'm tired of life, my own fucking life.

There's no really a solution to this problem rather than for me to change myself. I know life's gonna be even harder in the future so this is just one small challenge to make myself to be prepared for what's waiting in the future.

But i still don't understand what and how to do it. I'm confused and frustrated. Oh life, what have i become now?

In the end, some problems remain unsolved and i just have to wait until the time is right. When it's the right time, i know everything is gonna be alright again. I just have to wait and be patient. Everything happens for a reason after all.

About a Movie

From the title, you can already guess what i am about to write. Yes, it is about a movie called seven pounds. The movie was made in 2008 and will smith is the main character there. And i guess he really moved me. His acting is just stunningly good and impressive.

So let's start with the synopsis. 7 Pounds is a story of a man who accidentally killed his fiancee and 6 other strangers during a car accident. With him not being able to live after what he did, he decided to help 7 strangers whom he thought needed help the most.

The synopsis may sound a little bit dramatic, but to me the movie really worked it. I find this movie sad and heartbreaking. As unrealistic as his noble actions were, they still got me thinking how selfish i've been. Maybe i need to watch inspirational sad movies more oftenly so that i would be constantly reminded of how a horrible i've been.

Lately people have been talking about a movie called,"The Fault in Our Star". The novel was indeed very famous and almost all my friends read the novel. They have been talking about how sad and blablabla. Let's just say that all my friends are crazy about it.

Then the movie was released about a month ago. For me who don't read the novel, i know nothing about how sad and good it was. So when i finally watched the movie, i had my expectations. it's been a long time since the last time i had a good cry from a movie, so indeed i was very excited.

After 2 hours the movie ended. Even until now, i still don't understand whether i'm being cynical because everybody is crazy about the novel or i just simply don't find the movie that great. I didn't even cry. Okay maybe my eyes got a little bit teary but that's it. Needless to say, i was disappointed.

But it's possible that i just don't really like the movie and the story. i guess by saying so, that kind of makes me sound like an evil bitch, which is the real me HAHA. For me personally, it was too exaggerating. Maybe because they're still teenagers? Maybe i've been watching way too many movies? i don't know.

No offense to all TFIOS' s fans, i'm just simply expressing my thoughts about the movie. Maybe i don't understand the beauty of the story since i didn't read the novel, so pardon  me. i hate reading, that's why :) i judged based on the movie only.

Anyway, i bring this movie up again because i kind of wanna compare it to the movie that i just watched. 7 Pounds, yes the story doesn't really make sense and some parts are just way too exaggerated, but i still find it better somehow.

In my opinion, being an adult is the hardest thing in life. Adults have more complicated problems and they have experienced life longer than teenagers. I guess that's why i prefer 7 pounds. To me, people have never experienced their greatest pain before they reach adulthood. With this kind of mind setting, i guess that's what made me to have such weird taste in movies.

Again, i'm not talking bad about TFIOS, just simply stating what's on my mind

okay this entry has become too long so i'm gonna stop writing now. Thanks for reading (:

Society and Their Judgement.

Apparently i just can't stop writing about depressing stuff. And yes this entry is gonna be about that. I thought i was gonna change, like i was gonna write something brighter or happier, but i guess all i'm good at is complaining when the situation is bad.

Well i guess i'm just gonna start whatever i'm gonna write.

Today. To simply put it, i thought today was gonna be great. Since i just came back from Jakarta, i had tons of funny and great experiences with my friend and it was just awesome. The day started normally at the course place and everything was still normal.

THEN i heard something unpleasant from one of my friend. Okay before i go through that, let's move back a week ago. Lately someone has been trying to get close to me. Yes a guy. That same guy who always pisses me off by borrowing my eraser and holding it with his unhygienic hand. (i'm that kind of person who is concerned about hygiene in an exaggerating way). What i can't stand is that he was holding his feet and then he dared to touch, and even grip on my eraser. GOSH that just did it. I was so angry at that time.

That's not all. He also asked all kinds of stupid questions that had been asked by other people from the first place. Did he even listen at what the teacher was saying? And apparently it's not just me who's annoyed by his presence.

By those 2 things, i was already annoyed by him. And it turned even worse when he started to try getting my attention. At first i didn't really care because it was not that visible. But days passed and it just got worse. Ah yes, i'm that kind of person who can't control my own emotion. I couldn't hide what i felt inside and it definitely showed through my expression. I was so annoyed.

And after those horrific days, it became even worse by his chat. At first i replied him in a extremely cold way. I didn't really care cause i was seriously pissed at that time. 

Then the next day came and i heard one of my friend said something that indicated me as a cold-hearted person. Ah well that's a harsher way to say it. And me who was always concerned about what other people think of me started feeling bad for him. So the next time he tried to talk to me, i responded not-so-coldheartedly.

After that i told my friends about it. And one of my friend told me to just ignore him, cause that was what she did previously, when she was also on the same class as him. Now i'm the one who's stuck with him. So i did what she told me. I never opened his messages anymore. Didn't even bother to respond.

Few days passed and it had come to today. One of my friend then told me that apparently he whom i ignored had told his friends about what i did. And she said that they found out about it because i replied other chats from other people but him. At first i didn't really care but i noticed something different. Like my class's atmosphere had become, quieter? Personally i enjoyed it more like that but i knew something was wrong. And i guess that was because of what i did to him.

The day continued by me playing tennis, and i hung out for a while with my friends from high school. Gosh i miss em so much. And i got that one chat from another one of my friend. At first he said something unnecessary, so i didn't really think that much and just replied him. Then after that he said something that seriously offended me. And yes, i got a strong feeling that this was also about my ignorance to that guy.

I'm the type of person who think too much. Especially whenever i'm alone, i think, i always think. And what he said got into my mind and i couldn't stop thinking about it. The more i think about it, the more i felt sad. I started making wild speculations. I mean if one person could say something like that about me, other definitely did the same.

Oh society and their judgements. I've never been critiqued about who i am before. I know everybody always judge, but this is my first time hearing about it. And oh my God, it hurts.

I've never really thought about other people's pain when they are being judged because of who they are. And now i know. It can be seriously hurtful and it was just mean.

Ah life. It really sucks when nobody understands you. I mean when i think about it, i've always been that kind of person who can't easily open up to other people. And up til this point of my life, i don't think i have even once been that close with other people. It's entirely my fault really, for being such a stupid dumb introvert, but i just find it so hard to talk about my real feelings.

I guess i'm also writing this because i want people to understand a little bit more about me. So they can understand whenever i did something absurdly.

I am not that kind of person that other people thought about me. I may act like a boy but my heart is not made of steel. I'm just a stupid crybaby who always overthink what other people feel or think. Of course i hate myself who is always like this, but no matter how hard i try not to cry, i always fail. And i guess that's just one part of me that i can't get rid of.

Again i'm reminded by what one of my friend had once said to me, "Life just gets harder when you're older. That's why other people always wish to go back to the past. That's why other people miss their high school  life."

That's exactly how i feel right now. My high school life might not be that 'living the dream' kind, but it was peaceful in a way. I knew my friends well, i didn't really have to make more friends because i already got them, and i didn't have to meet new people who could possibly disturb the plainness of my life.

Time passed in a blink of an eye. I miss my highschool life, friends, teachers, and everything i hate about my school, gosh i wish i could have them again in my life.

But i guess for every bad day that i'm having, i know i still have my family and friends who's still by my side. No matter how horrible i've been to them.

I have been losing my faith in almost anything or anyone but i guess this is just the beginning of my life. Oh it gets so hard and frustrating, but no matter what i still have to move on i guess.

Ah well, i'm gonna put this aside tomorrow and be prepared for my next challenge.

Sorry for the very long life complain, i just have to get this out of my mind and possibly let somebody know about how i feel. I may have sounded extremely annoying so i'm sorry if anything i said is seriously offending.

So in the end, i can only say this. I will possibly try my hardest at accepting other people for who they are and not judging them. It's definitely a very impossible thing to do, especially for me, but i will try to remind myself of today, about how a single word could hurt a person's feeling so much.

And let me also be clear about one last thing, i'm not trying to be a saint or whatever, i'm a mean person, everybody knows it. And this entry is just one of those days when i just wanna talk about the harsh reality in life.

Thoughts.

Finally, after being absent for half a year, I AM BACK B*TCHES....

And what's also great is the fact that this entry is not gonna be a depressing one, since all the previous ones were "quite" like that.

But this one entry is gonna be super random since it's so late and i have to sleep FAST or else my dad's gonna be pissed AGAIN :)

You can see what is this entry all about from the title. Without further do, here i GO.

• I am currently studying Deutsch. I don't hate the language, but the thought of memorizing of every single word and articles sickens me.
• Also very much obsessed with a blogger who lives in Berlin. Her blog is very inspiring and humorous. It got my spirit of studying DEUTSCH back too:D
• My super-maybe-not-so-impossible-goal-now: studying in german.
• Ah yes, after i didn't decided to not take my A Levels, i despise my old SCHOOL. (it's a long story) And hate it even more for every single day til this point.
• Been trying my best to become "mature" and "nicer". It's so hard since i'm so childish and selfish but still working on it.
• The older i get, the more i get to know myself even more. I'm temperamental, emotional, quiet, gloomy, easily depressed, overthinking, mean (like a b*tch and i enjoy being one) aaaand also easily disgusted. (may have develop OCD)
• As much as i like being around people, being alone is when i am able to enjoy my relaxing time the most.
• I always JUDGE other people. Sometimes i can't even accept them for who they are. That's probably one of the reason why i should just be left alone.
• (copying this from a website) I prefer to lead my life FREE. Freedom is something that can't be taken away from meh.
• In the end, i'm also one of those mainstream people who miss their highschool life. (on the 11th grade only though) Life does get harder the older you get.
• I still wonder what is the right and wrong thing to do. Sometimes it confuses me.
• Believe it or not, people like me, who are too lazy to even talk, exist in this world.
• Starting a youtube channel has always been my dream since 11th grade. But still no progress at all until now. (yes, i am full of sh*t)
• Just had the realization that i only like depressing songs. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

And i guess that's all, since i don't really know what else to write.

I'm gonna be writing more oftenly these days, HOPEFULLY. So when i look back in time, i will be able to remember all those funny and sad memories that i had in life.

It's time for me to go. Ciao~su!

Life.

Hiyaa~! it's been such a long time, I KNOW. But apparently laziness has officially taken over my life, like real bad. Well at the very least i'm still able to enjoy my life and survive with all this madness in the world lol. anyway, it's super late already but i really wanna write something up. I've been meaning to write this for in the past, but because i was still very much overwhelmed by the emotion so i decided not to. It's for the best anyway.

Basically now i'm in that situation when someone feels like that person doesn't belong anywhere. And the surrounding is just, awkward. How to say this, but it's the kind of feeling when you feel like isolated even if you're not actually alone. Like there's some kind of a barrier that you can't penetrate between you and others. Or probably we're just that certain kind of people that don't really get along with each other because we're so different. From our sense of humor to our personality. And those differences started the whole barrier thing from the start. And it sucked and sucks.

At least i'm a much stronger person now, emotionally i mean. Usually i easily broke down over stuff like this and it was really pathetic. Sometimes i couldn't even handle the emotion anymore, it was tearing me apart so badly. Most importantly, i became aware that i actually felt really empty inside. *wow that was deep lol*

It was hard living like that and apparently now it's happening again. It's even worse now since most of my close friends are away. But I don't know whether it's me who has finally been disconnected or maybe it's always been like that without me realizing it. While leaving is not on option, and if i actually leave, where can i go anyway? Even if i desperately want to. So i guess i'll just be here for the remaining time until it's finally time to leave. And all i can do now is to stand strong and hold my head high all the time.

Becoming older made me able to think more rationally, i guess. I'm still super sensitive but at least i'm able to control my emotion a LITTLE bit better now. I don't know whether i've actually become a real adult *teehee* or i'm actually changing into a better person than i used to be. It's extremely hard to do this, but i think if i were able to survive this, i would definitely be harder to be defeated  by the harsh living in the real world. *weird sentence but whocares -u-*

To me this hardship is really tough and torturous at the same time, but if i compare it to other teenager's problem it would probably be the least hard. That even adds more reason why this shouldn't be a matter of concern. Definitely.

Just like what the quote says, "life is full of ups and downs". Many problems exist in ways that we can't even imagine. But there's always the light of hope that makes us believe that everything's gonna turn well. And being able to follow that light is the hardest part that we must do. 

Well, that's basically how life works, which makes it really hard to live on.:)

Things can never be the same anymore now. Now i finally able to understand my own feelings. Then also, i constantly repeat to myself that i will finally find something better some time in the future.

Next Stop After Summer Holiday, SCHOOL.

Waaaat up folks! Yes, it is me again and i'm finally back writing somehow.

After experiencing 2 week holiday, i will now tell yall all about it. And before continue reading, i hereby apologize for the boringness that you're about to read because my vacation is just simply LAME. :) and the other stuff that i wrote is even worse:):):)

So Bali was my family's destination for vacationing eventhough i strongly against it. Why? Cause on october, i'll then again go to Bali with my friggin school. *sigh*

But i guess Bali wasn't that bad. Eventhough i personally prefer going to modern cities *obnoxious metropolitan girl* HAHA

n i guess the beaches weren't that bad... But the most enjoyable one was definitely THE VIEW. ;;) *if you know what i mean lol*

aside from Bali, i spent the whole vacation by idling around at home. Basically, all i did was eat, watch, read and sleep. And the consequences of this kind of unhealthy lifestyle is becoming a PIG:)

There is so much to write but i don't wanna make this entry too long and boring so i guess i would just simplify them into several points:

• I'm starting to concern about my future. I still don't know what university i will go to and what major should i pick. It's starting to tear me up pieces by pieces._. GAH i'm so friggin stressed out just thinking about this STUPID MATTER UGH. *dies* i also think that forensic science will probably be an interesting major to study, aside of nutrition ofcoo.
• GOSH school starts already and i am most definitely not EXCITED at all.
• *sigh* my friends back when i was in elementary school have graduated and possibly gone to college while i'm still stuck in THE high school and it's kinda sad really ;_;
• Most of my ex-classmates are also gone for good. Most of them went abroad, leaving me alone in this mighty school. SADDDD AGAIN:(
• I currently have no money like SERIOUSLY. I blame it on my addiction of comic books and other unnecessary spending on the holidays~ 
• I've started to learn how to play tennis and i'm getting better and better! *i think* But i really enjoy playing it anyways and that's all that matter. *eventhough it took me SOME TIME to be able to hit the ball properly*
• Ah, i forgot to write this earlier, but i finally experienced staying overnight at the hospital and being infused. *i don't know if thats the right word, watevs anyway*
• I also got a new glasses since i lost my previous one while i was in bali playing jetski. My dad even said this to me: "WHAT KIND OF PERSON USE GLASSES WHILE PLAYING JET SKI FOR GOD'S SAKES!" lol *pardon the exaggeration*
• I've kind of lost my motivation to study so i decided to buy a new pencil case to lift my spirit up! *don't judge* =D
• My ipod is nowhere to be found until now so yea i think i've lost it..... :'(
• YOUTUBE and MANGAFOX have been such a big part of my holiday. and yes i'm still very much addicted watching Connor Franta's videos. He's my idol and fashion guru!;;)
• I've become so unfaithful on watching american series. Meaning: i only watched half season of a series and ended up not finishing any of it. i guess i got bored very easily..
• There are so many things that i desperately need *i meanwant* but my financial condition doesn't support it. There are headphones, comic books, super cool backpack, a pair of new stiletto, dresses and mostly comic books anyways TEEHEE
• Somehow, my life has turned into some kind of a comic sketch because of the stupidness and embarrassing experienceS i've had recently. Don't ask.. TT~TT

well i guess that's all to tell. Again, I'm sorry if it's really boring... I'm still in no mood of thinking anything besides my mysteriously creepy future. 

Okay folks, enjoy your day and i hope you'll be able to survive this new school year.

HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS~! *yay* *sarcastically*

this is the real ending so bye! HAHAH

Ciaosuuu~!!!