Friendship Matters...

Hiya folks!

So sorry for not updating a new entry for so long, i've just been so busy with my life and stuff:) AND yes, it's been fun and sad at the same time, but i've managed to survive until this very day, which is a pretty awesome achievement of myself HAHA

so now, what you're about to read is a super boring dumb story called my life:) actually, just a part of it and i still consider this as a very important part of my life:) so prepare to be bored by the longest, yet the most terrible entry ever made by ME. ENJOY.

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Her name is S.S. We met when we were in 6th grade. Eventhough we went to the same school for 5 years, we haven't been on the same class until the 6th year, which is our last year in elementary school. Our class is the mighty 6A which consist of the most awesome people among the other 6 graders.

Being a kid, i was super shy. I couldn't talk very well since i was SUPER SHY. not to mention that i was one of the shortest kid in the class== So yeah, i didn't have any courage to initiate a conversation with people back then._. i was just...quiet. Especially in a new class, i still didn't know some of the people and it was just, AWKWARD.

THEN, after a few weeks being in 6A, the teacher arranged the seating arrangement. I sat next to a boy *whose name i don't remember* and the table beside me is where S sat. And that was how we met for the first time.

I didn't really remember, but i'm pretty sure that she was the one who started talking to me first. Then i thought, this girl was so friendly and nice, maybe i can be friends with her!

And apparently i was right.

After a few days only, we started to fool around together by calling each other nicknames. I called her "onion" (in indonesia: bombay) while she called me "chili" (in indonesia: cabe). I absolutely have no idea where we came up with such stupid nicknamesLOL but it was so memorable:)

THEN, we started to give each other drawings of our nicknames in almost every lesson. so basically i drew her evil onions while she drew me evil chilis. We were so weird, laughing when nobody was, like we had the world to ourselves. It was one of the most beautiful memories i have in life, having fun with her:')

After doing doing that like for numerous times, she started approaching me everytime. like in the breaks, p.e. time, etc. I did pretty much the same as her. I enjoyed being with her, so it's obvious that i like being around her too.

Honestly, after 7 years studying in my school, i've never felt like i actually have a best friend. but i was just a stupid kid who knows nothing about the world, so i'm perfectly fine with just having friends. Then she happened to me. and my life got awesome all of a sudden.

From that moment on, we instantly became best friends. We texted each other all the time and i didn't even remember what we were talking about, but i do know that we had lots of fun together.

Back then, when i hadn't known her, i always visited my friend in other class on breaks. but after meeting her, i started to hang with her close friends. And i guess my social life turns a little better after that.LOL

there was also one time, on arts and crafts lesson, we were supposed to make something out of disgusting brown claysLOL. and we always sat next to each other whenever we can. So after the lesson, there were some left over clays. then i had an idea of making an onion figure from the left over clays for her. 

i didn't really remember whether i told her to make one for me to or she made a chili figure by her own will.

Then we ended up exchanging the weird clay figures to each other. And yes, i still kept the clay>:D

here's the mighty chili clay! *sorry for being too lazy to rotate the pic*

One of the fondest memory i have about her, was when we promised each other to meet up early at school just to read comics. I didn't really know why but i really enjoyed those times. I remember reading a comic that was so funny cuz the main character had a super weird pair of eyebrows== and at one of those early mornings when we were together, i told her to read the comic and just like what i thought, she laughed so hard like someone was tickling her nonstop.

Then i started laughing hard too while looking at the funny eyebrows and listening to her laughter. and we both laughed like crazy until people started coming to class.

I also remember that she was a sesat and good influence to me at the same time. cuz after getting to know her, i started copying homeworks from others>:) but since she was SOOO diligent about her studies, i started studying well too, not like i used to== since i didn't wanna be left behind by her too far.

On holidays, i would visit her house for almost everyday and we played computer games the whole time we were together. she introduced me to great games like sims 2, neighbors from hell, hotel giant, and other computer games that i still like playing until today. She got all the awesome GAMES from her big brother so i was kinda jealous of her back thenLOL *i was desperate by wanting to have an older brother at that time*

I was still so crazy about animes too back then, and when visiting her house, i would watch the funny anime dvds that i just bought with her. but one reason why i like visiting her house so much is actually because i loved eating the food there #plak

but seriously, the food was good there, so.........

Until today, my memory of her is still crystal clear, like how much she was obsessed with doraemon== n i still don't understand what's so cute about a blue cat robot who has a magic pocket that can stick to his tummyROFL *no offense S*

All of you will probably say that i'm totally exaggerating this matter. and actually, if i read this kind of post a few years back, i would probably say the same thing.

And all this exaggeration wouldn't be written if i didn't realize how super nice she is.

It was when all the 6th graders went to Gambung since we're just about to graduate. i recall that I didn't feel so well when i arrived at that place so i decided to use some kayuputih oil to my stomach to make me feel better.

apparently she didn't really like the smell of kayu putih oil so she covered her nose and stuff and said things that i don't remember:D

folks, i was still a DUMB kid, so you have to understand that after she acted that way, i became angry and isolate myself from her and her group *which was actually my group too*

for half the day, i spent myself hanging out with my friends from other class._.

Then on the night she approached me and all of a sudden, we started talking again. And i stopped acting like an *ssh*l*;)

i didn't realize this after a few years graduated from elementary school. when i was around 15/16, i realized that i was SUCH A J*CK*SS to her by getting mad because of something that stupid. *in my defense, i was just a dumb kid back then:(*

But the one important thing that i also realize is that, she could stand being around someone like me. even after i ditched her just like that just because of a STUPID matter. 

As a matter of fact, i think of myself as a horrible person. i'm selfish, complains a lot, impatience and also kinda dumb:)

so to all of you who are still friends with me, i want to thank yall, for still being able to stand someone like me and having me in your lives.. i know that i haven't been the "greatest" friend ever, but i'm gonna try my hardest to, so please, give me the chance to do so:)

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FUH, what a long entryy~

but it's over:) and i'm super tired of typing UGH

anyways, thx for reading and i hope you enjoy today's entry n i hope i can get a good night sleep tonight:) *wtf*

soo it's the end for today! n i'm gonna end it with a simple........BYE.

n

Ciaosuuu~~~~

The Future Is Waiting For Us...

Yes indeed, nobody can't deny that. The future is something that everyone is waiting for. And nobody knows what's gonna happen in the future, which concerns me even more...

So basically, i'm writing this because i just had an argument with my dad because i asked him something.

Why did i ask? The answer was simple, I was curious.

A few days ago, me and my dad met this agent from AXEL? to discuss about the result of test about my interest and personality 2 weeks ago..

So basically, the test's result was pretty accurate to me, especially about my personality. Not to mention about my interest, which mostly was about my choice of major for university.

It was nutrition/dietitian.. i was pretty happy with the result, since i know i love biology and nutrition but apparently, my dad didn't think so...

On our way back, i asked him about how was the meeting with the agent and stuff. I wondered about what did he think about me being a nutritionist and stuff. And after getting his answer, somehow i just got the impression that he wasn't all agreeing about the whole nutritionist stuff. I stayed silent, the end of discussion.

Moving on today, once again i asked him, why did he thought that being a nutritionist is good? Why did he say so?

And i got all the answer that i need.

Apparently, he was concerned about the tuition, since the agent said that it could be expensive.

He also kept talking about how in here, in my EFFING country, Nutritionists are still not that needed.

Then i answered back furiously, by saying that i don't even wanna live in this pitiful country anymore! I wanna get out of here, as soon as i can! but then he replied by saying stuffs that i didn't even listened anymore...

He was also talking about SOMETHING which practically meant that it didn't matter what kind of job women have, since they would finally end up stay at home and take care of their children.

I was offended. Like how could he say that? He doesn't even know a thing about me! Does he even know that i'm still considering whether i wanna get married or not? How could he know that i would quit my job just to take care of children that i might don't even want to have?

I'm sorry dad, but i'm just not that kind of girl/woman. I'm not an ordinary woman who's willing to do anything just to have a happy family with lots of children.

I don't even know what i want!

I don't even know what does my dad want me to be? A business person like my cousin? Not a chance. Well maybe after seeing me fail, he would actually realize that i can't do business, since i use my feelings A LOT.

but i know what i have to do to survive this cruel adult world. By having a decent job. And i have chosen what i wanna to pursue. What i want to be when i'm an adult.

Maybe, just maybe, i'll change my mind after meeting a guy. But still, i don't wanna be told. I don't care if nobody loves me because of that, but it's my FUCKING LIFE.

I deserve to be happy with my own way.. Maybe i'll have a family, but it doesn't mean i wanna quit my job just because of THAT.

My present self doesn't even like children now.. My friends told me like a thousand times already that my point of view might change after i have a children, but guess wat? I don't have one now and i do k now that i still don't like children even now...

I deeply know that God has a plan for all of us. Even the ones who don't really appreciate life, like myself. So why do i have to be worried? Why do people have to be worried when they know that their lives have already been planned by God. And they should also know that the mighty plan that He has made isn't just a plan, it's a beautiful master plan that God has made to make us happy.

I have been having a motivational problem, since i've been like more than lazy these couple of weeks. And the only thing that i could actually study and have fun at the same time is Biology. I love that subject, i do. And why is it so wrong?

I mean i don't wanna become an artisan, musician, or even actress, i actually wanna be a nutritionist which is actually pretty hard n cool and it just so happens that it's what i love to do. My dad should've been more appreciative, since  didn't choose majors like design, arts n stuff. Since i know that his narrow mind wouldn't believe that such majors would help me survive later in the future.

Sometimes i wonder, would i be appreciated if i were more normal? like other girls? my friends? who actually want children and have a big happy family?

Am i actually right about not wanting any children if i know that i couldn't be able to take care of them? People said that they don't wanna live alone and miserable in the future, so they MAKE children.

Well you know wat, i don't care about that.

Maybe i'll regret this decision SO much later in the future, but i still think that it's pretty selfish if you want to have children just because you don't wanna be alone when ur an elder.

I hope that i can actually find my real reason to have children. I really do hope so.

Am i just too careless to not fear the future? I don't even know if that's wrong or right.

But whatever happens in the future, i'll still appreciate it, i'll try my best to... because i know that it's the story of MY LIFE. and God has made the perfect plan to make it blossom into happiness that i can't even imagine.

Farewell???._.

this entry is a bit sad n this is about life:( *wtf r u wrting about?*

so this really sad thing happened yesterday.. you see, one of my classmate is gonna move to other school and yesterday was his last day of school...:"( a lot of people were crying yesterday.. but i didn't:) *such a cold hearted girl*

the class's atmosphere even changed after he started saying about him, transferring to other school. it became quiet somehow.. especially the girls...

butt boys as usual, as insensitive ever, kept goofing around after all that'd happened.. but i guess they also felt sad deep inside their heart huh? *such a b*llsh*t*

butt i was also unsympathetic n insensitive you see, when he came to T,O,V n me, we were like the worst people all time== i even laughed FGS!!! i thought nothing was serious n all, but i was so wrong i saw him n his friend cried on d desk behind:"((((((

plus, i've no idea how to comfort a sad person... i'm alwys speecheless because i don't know what to say or to do to make the person betterT.T i suck.....

well you see, i feel sad for him, eventhough we're not that close, but he's still my friend n one of the nicest guy in the class...:"(((((

anway, the way to express sadness is not always by crying.. *i'm just saying this so i wouldn't look that badLOL*

hmmm, i just wish him all good luck n i hope he'll b able to do his best in his new school... being in different school doesn't mean the end of everything anyway:))

so iguess dat's all i wanna say 4 today...:p

finally! quote 4 today:

"being apart doesn't mean the friendship is gone"

sorry if it's weird but i hope it's influential!! ?

this is d final gud bye!

CiaosuuuU~!

Depressing alert?0_o

This is pretty much about my day today, so it might b kinda boring butt i'm still gonna write it anywy hehehe..

2 b honest, i was kinda depressed today n i didn't evn knw why... damn depression had haunted me 4 several times n it came in again today...

n u knw wats worse? i don't evn exactly knw why am i like this.. i just feel empty n sleepy... i guess dat's wats called being depressed huh?:P

ANYWY, this mood finally got better after d math course heheee mayb this was caused of my ability to do matrix *yahoo* n also some of my classmates were fooling around which made me laugh n totally made me feel better some way:DDDD

this entry is actually quite or totally depressing hehe *can't stop sayin it* n it is not d end just yet. this shud b on a new entry but i'm just too lazy to make a new one, so...

hmm, i'm actually gonna b talking about myself, like wat i called "keluhkesah" hehe.. i dun knw wats d english term, but d main idea is about wat i'm feeling or somethin like dat..

1st, to be realllyyyyy honest, sometimes i question myself, why do i live? i mean, in my "imagination", everything is still gonna b fine if i'm not here.. like now 4 example, i dun evn knw why i studied hard d whole time.. *not exactly* mayb it's to make my parents happy? really? do i really mean dat?

i really don't knw how to value my own life. normally, people shud b grateful bcuz of d life they were given but i still can't. 4 real.

plus, i find myself really boring actually. i'm not especially gud @ something, maybe, just mayb my talent is still hiding inside of me butt i can't keep dat kind of believe in my mind rite now, i'm just wayyyy too pessimistic to hold on dat kind of thought now..

n there's another reason, with me being here, do i evn make d people dat i luv happy? yeah mayb sometimes, but most of d times, i annoyed people so much dat i evn felt so guilty. but becuz i am such a coward, i cud never EVER apologize to a person when it comes to b a serious matter. this totally sux..

2nd noone understands me, including myself of course, i mean how are people supposed to understand yourself if u don't? dat's just soo screwed up. n why did i say i dun understand myself? well, u c, until now, i can't evn decide wat is my passion. i dun knw wat r my interest beside sleeping, watching n reading. why can't it b something educational or useful?

3rd i dun understand other peoples feelings u c... like 4 example *this happens all d time btw*:

i can't talk to more den 1 person, so i MAY KINDA ignore d other person while i was talking. truthfully, it was not wat i really meant, i just don't knw how to connect conversations, from one person to other people. people r sooooo pissed @ me 4 doing so but, wat can i do? shud i abandon d other person? but i'll b hated by d person later den:((. i'm alwys stressed out by these kind of stupid unimportant things n perhaps this is d reason why my hair keeps on fall out=u=

4th i get lonely sooo easily. it's pathetic, really, but i really enjoy being wid myself only too.. dat's why i think i'm weird==

5th complainer is wat i am. i can't stop complaining, trust me... i will alwys complain to God, if something in my life went wrong. hmph, i guess my faith is not strong enough huh?;p

6th i'm a bad tempered person cuz i actually get mad sooo easily, evn if it's not necessary. i hate myself 4 dat... but no matter how hard i try, i just can't stop my anger...== i just can't.

7th i alwys got frustated wid small matters, evn if it's not important. I did every single thing wid my feelings soo i guess u can call me a bit emotional:P

hmph, dat's a lot to write n also not very good to read hehe

n i'm gonna stop this now before it's getting boring *it already is actually*:D

so, bye?:D

CiaosuuU!

Xmas, Newyear, end of vacation, now wat?

Aah, i've been 2 lazy to write a new entry these weeks== i mean i've gone to jkt n bought stuffs<3 butt mostly, i stayed @ home playing computer..:D

4 xmas, my family n i had dinner in le marley..:DDD finally i was able to convince them to come here, butt d result was not as gud as i thought== they were complaining so much til my head kinda exploded in place nyahahhaha jkjk

butt i was really pissed by hearing those bad things about a pantry dat i really like:)

anwy, moving on to new year..

nothing particularly special happened around dis time.. butt i'm still so happy cuz i got to watch nickelodeon...!!!<3<3<3

plus, d fireworks in jkt were just amazing.. they were everywhere n d sky was so bright:P

hmm, i only got 4 days to enjoy my vacation @ home so i gotta really b able to make these times xtremely enjoyable... ._.

*sigh~~~~~~~~~*

school starts 2 days later n i still dun wanna go!!==

not enough holiday 4 meeee!! i still wanna enjoy taking shower in d afternoon n read mangas til morning... i hate stressful stuff n i still wanna relax just 4 a week:(

butt i've gotta go back to reality, so nomore fun 4 d next couple of weekssss...

ANYWAY

today was pretty awesome actually. my bday was just around d corner n i was pretty nervous slash worried slash excited.

i dun really knw wat to feel since i'm just...... ?

n wat does today hav anything to do wid my bday?

well, today i went wid my ma together to book d place... @ 1st, we went to le marley, but UNFORTUNATELY d place doesn't take reservation 4 saturday nite... too bad...:"(

Butt den my mom took me to another restaurant called "Tableicious" n d place was pretty cool actually.. it kinda looked like le marley butt d price of d food.. was a bit more xpensive den le marley... *myself opinion*

butt in d end, we decided to book dis place 4 my bday party... *fuh*

n d cake?

well, i also went to harvest today, n u knw wat... i'm instantly in luv wid d place becuz it has soooooo many cakes n i just can't stop my drooling salivaLOL

that's pretty much all...

last thing to tell, i went to my fren's house after dat...

i watched 2 vry weird n scary horror movies wid her which was so terrifying==

butt i managed to survive til d end hehe

we also played monopoly n i lost!! *totally not important

these r d 2 scary movies n d monopoly dat i played wid my fren:)

i guess dats all to tell?

ah, one last thing.. i've been feeling weird these days.. well, more like i feel bad 4 someone bcuz of my selfish action... i'm not gonna write bout who d person is, but i just wish i cud b braver n apologize 4 d way i acted in front of dat person.. n from now on, i'm gonna try my best not to b a Super jerk anymore... well at least, i hope so:D

i guess dat's really all to tell since my hands r tired n i'm super sleepy..

plus, i also hv an appointment wid my buddies to hv breakfast together n play batting like in baseball hehhehe

quote 4 today:

"...."

i dun get to say anything gud today becuz i still feel xtremely bad 4 d person bcuz of me:"(((( i mean, i evn sometimes wanna cry thinking bout dis... n i'm gonna stop rite now n end dis quickly:p

CiaosuuU!!!!

D other GUY=_=

Seriously, i've been reading too much shoujo manga== especially when it involves love.. i just can't stop reading such useless things:) butt it actually relieves my stress, so...:P

anwy, d reason i'm making dis entry is becuz i was sooooooooo touched by an anime called Chihayafuru. Butt dat's not d only reason, i also wanna express my disappointment in manga authors, especially if it involves romance like love triangle/polygon, dang.

In a love triangle, d heroine will only definitely end up wid a guy ONLY, n dat's actually d sucky part, especially if d losing guy is much better in my version:PP *my selfishness* TEHE!

like 4 example..

Sunadokei is one of d saddest manga i've evr read n let me clear it out 4 u, i was crying so hard when i read dis n let me remind u, it was not because of d story, it was because d guy character i like didn't end up wid d main heroine. people might think dis is soo unimportant or stupid reason, butt it's true:D Tsukishima Fuji is like d best guy ever? N Ann still chose Daigo? *teary eyes*

btw, dis is Fuji-kun:"(

if i were in d manga, i wud look like one of d girls in d picLOL --> i'm so charmed by dis pic>.<

here's another example,

Chihayafuru is a very interesting anime to me, evnthough sometimes it's kinda pissing me off:3 butt d story is new so...:)) *it's also about sport=competition -> my fav*

BUTT, one main point dat i hate from dis anime is because of d heroine. WTF is wrong wid her? she keeps yapping about arataarataarata n d guy doesn't evn reply her warmly or watsoever. n there is also Mashima Taichi, D OTHER GUY, which is Chihaya's childhood fren. He's like has alwys been in luv wid her, he's alwys there 4 her n not to mention dat he's super niceeeeeeeee n wat's more pissing, she doesn't evn realize his feelings n d anime alwys shows dat she's totally in luv wid arata:"((((((

i can't evn bear to watch d episode, especially when it involves arata n chihaya becuz it'll totally make Taichi downT^T

dis is super cool Taichi:D

AAAAH, i just can't stop wondering why wud manga authors abandon d guys who r smart, rich n SUPER handsome.. i knw it'd b boring if these guys alwys won, but d manga authors shud make "d other guy" a lil uglier so people won't feel bad to them *totally selfish n EVIL* mwahhahahaaha

wuh, it seems dat i am so talkative today== n it's time 4 me to stop:D

i knw dis entry is not important but i still feel gud writing dis:)

btw, i've been swimming these days so my back kinda got tanned:"( i'm kinda like a tiger on d back only i guessLOL *jk

ok, that's all 4 today... i'm off 2 surf d inet again now!

Ciaosuuuu!~

Oops.. new post!

it seems dat last week, i'd already made another new post. n since d inet was not working n watsoever, i ended up forget to post it:D soo, i'm gonna post it now! *such a waste if dis is not posted, it's about MUSIC~

hmhmhm, weekend has come by! which is super awesome! i'm definitely excited n can't wait to spend it little by little bcuz on monday, hell is back:P

i knw i'm KIND OF *mayb very* exaggerating about dis, but really, these days, skool was not very enjoyable== everyday, there's little time 4 me to relax since after skool, i still hv private lesson somewhere else.. i can't sleep i can't watch i can't read. dangdang!

it's been a tough n tiring week, but i'm hoping it will change next week!

OK so, d reason i'm making a new post is bcuz:

1. i've become more interested in my guitar

2. i've started searching guitar chords on d inet

3. DEN I FOUND PEOPLE PLAYING BOKURA GA ITA'S SONGS!!!

ok, i'm gonna discuss mostly about num3:DDD

first of all, bokura ga ita is d most awesome romantic anime i've evr watched in my life. The characters are perfect, d guy is sooooo handsome n real n their luv story is sooo friggin beautiful *crying

so, den i searched sum guitar chords on utube n find out people hav been playing suki dakara n merry go around wid a guitar!! damn i'm about to scream:DDDD

so, as soon as i heard it, my tears r instantly flowing... i'm very touched by d songs n it seemed dat lots of people hav d same reaction as i do *if they've alredy watched d anime*

oh well, but in d end, i was not able to play any songs since i cudn't understand guitar chords *like how to play em== but it was a fun experience to search 4 these kind of things:D

but, i manage to play romance de amour, not d whole song, but a quarter of it i guess heheh *another improvement

well, i guess dat's all i gotta report today... n tonight, i shall eat delicious gourmet:D

Quote 4 d day: "Being in luv wid music is d best thing that's evr happened"

I'm off now!

CiaosuuU!

La.. Laa.. Laifu:D *means life

Life S*ck

That term was alwys in my mind n this week made it pretty clear wat it actually means. Today was Monday which was supposed to be fun I think but it was not at all. In fact, in the morning, I cudn’t even name one reason why I had to go to school. I’d rather stayed at home watching animes. The second one, I also cudn’t find one simple reason why I live, like wat’s d purpose of me, living in this world? Because it seems that d world will b just fine without me. Truthfully, I gotta tell ya, I’m not exactly afraid to die or anything, if it’s my time to go, then I’ll go, if it’s not yet, den I won’t. I wud just follow wat God wants.

Anywy let’s start by Saturday. From d morning till d evening, everything was totally fine, but in d night, my dad n I got into a HUGE fight, just because I kept anwering wat he said n he was probably upset wid me. In dis case, I felt like a jerk so didn’t really say anything *as usual* but d worst thing is dat, I got lectured d whole time we went home which sux. I almost cried but maybe since I got too used to it, I didn’t hehehe I wondered to myself, why I was such a jerk. N til now, I can’t seem to find d answer. Another worst part: I didn’t feel guilty, not a single guilt was created. I even thought to myself, how come you got mad just because of such simple thing. I was kinda joking anywy n maybe I went a lil too far:P but still, I was still so pissed off because he kept telling d same thing *lecturing me about how bad n annoying I was to him n blablabla* It hurt my hurt, but anywy, dat’s life. N not to be overreacting, but I was actually crying when I wrote thisL

I was in the car while writing dis, n David Archie’s my kind of perfect was played! Man, dis just set d mood.

Anywy, after dat very long night, I then thought again to myself, dat I wanna leave dis house.. I can’t wait to live alone n b free from people. But iguess I kinda regretted wat I said cuz I still luv my fam evnthough things don’t alwys go in my way.

Next morning, my dad wudn’t evn wanna talk to me.it was very pissing me off but I chilled off by not concerning dat fact anymore.

Anywy, moving on to d next day. In the morning, we got a test 4 chem. I was totally nervous since I suck so badly @ chem.. n my prediction came true, d test was so friggin hard n after finishing it, I think I’ll get a 70 or sumthin:P I also answered so many wrong answersT.T

Moving on to the lesson after d break. There was dis lesson called “research n project” n today we were supposed to find an experiment about biology to do d experiment proposal. N dat moment, I messed up again *I think*. my group consist of 2 people, O n T. *let's just use d initials.

anywy, we'd been fooling around since d lesson started n when O started to get serious about finishing it, T n i, instead of being serious n do d work, we fooled around again, n even talked about unnecessary things n apparently, it made O angry.

T n I didn't knw wat 2 do since she had never a friend who was angry wid her n i was extremly bad @ apologizing to people if i didn't feel GUILTY. n he kinda ignored us for d next 2 lessons but weirdly, he turned to himself back in d end.

I think dat he was only angry wid me, since i know dat i was a jerk n mostly everyone doesn't like my attitude. well, dis is me, i've been tryin n wanting to change, but it's just not F*CK*ng working out.

on d way home aftr d guitar lesson, i realized dat probably, noone will ever like me, noone will ever love me because i'm me. i can't say dat i don't particularly care, cuz i kinda do. it hurts when u feel like ur not needed, it hurts when people told u dat they hate u n when we didn't evn knw wat we did wrong n it hurts not to be liked by other people.

I'm obviosly a crybaby person n perhaps dat's wat made me become dis selfish egoistical B*tch..

i wonder n wonder, wat shud i thank God in dis kind of situation, i guess i shud b thanking him dat i'm still alive, but it's not like i don't appreciate for d life i've been given, it's just dat i sometimes think dat mayb if sumone else was born instead of me, my fam n frens wud b happier.

I desperately want to be someone's num 1. i just want to b liked by other people n why is dat so hard to do?i keep messing up, instead of doing d rite thing. i'm horrible to my siblings n i'm definitely not a gud daughter.

i guess life wasn't easy. i got my future waiting in d line, but i still don't evn knw wat am i gonna do later. it's not like i dun care bout my future but u knw when sumtimes ur stuck in an idea n can't evn move on or find new ideas? well, dat's my position. but i still can't imagine myself being a successful n nice person like i've alwys wanted to b.

i guess dat's all 4 today, my eyes hurt n btw, dis is wat my heart is saying rite now. n i'm sorry if its boring..!^!