A Foreign Place.

WELL my first post that is actually published on my blog is my third actual draft, YEAP. So much for the hesitation and laziness within me. And while i was rereading those drafts, i realized that i wrote both when i was either depressed, or when i couldn't get my mind off something. Both actually show how negative i am as a human being. BUT at least for today, i am currently writing with no mood swings and it kinda feels greird. (great and weird)

Yes, the topic is supposed to be my first time living alone in Germany. Okay where do i start? Hmm living alone can be fun and boring sometimes, which is probably the reason i gained weight so quickly here. I was basically bored and got nothing to do, so my last resort was, EATING. For some reasons it's been hard for me to control my appetite. In fact, i think it's getting worse day by day. But i am still willing to change this rotten lifestyle i've been living and go back to my old healthy self.

What do i miss the most? There is no doubt that i miss my family the most. Well my dad to be exact. I miss his kindness, caring personality and the fact that he's willing to sacrifice anything for the ones he loves. Oh how i miss that. Here i stand alone. I solve my own problems and so do other people. My dad isn't around anymore to clean up my messes. I guess that's how i realized how life hard gets as i got older and independent.

Food. ah right. Right now i'm craving indonesian food so badly. It's not like i hate the food here, it was actually the opposite. The fact that i was able to gain weight so easily here, proves that my tastebud is more suitable for western food. BUT that doesn't make me a westerner though. My hometown still has the best food, memories and happiness in each every one of them.

Myself? Well i've change, i suppose...? I am no longer the person i used to be. What's worse, i am not getting better either, i'm actually in a confused state now. Sometimes weird questions came into my mind, like what is actually right and wrong. I am utterly confused of what i should do and i am getting no answer til this very day. What's worse is the fact that i close myself up from other people. I guess my trust problem has gotten even worse. But looking back at my past experiences, it's no surprise that  i was able to get to this point. This is probably why i haven't been getting answers. Cause i'm alone with no help from the outside world.

It's not just me who change though, my friends do too. The more you get to know someone, the more you realize, that nobody's perfect. They're pretty much the same as me, i got my horrible side and so do they. What matters is whether the person would want to accept the negativity or not. And i guess i'm kind of lucky since i still have friends:) 

Even so, i enjoy my time alone here. I've become a loner and i'm actually fine by it. WHICH MAKES IT EVEN HARDER FOR ME TO CHANGE. I guess everything has its own phase and i just have to let this phase pass by.... when it even happened though.

I haven't said much but that pretty much describe my current situation now. I guess i have made quite a progress by writing this post huh? Well hopefully everything turned out well later for all of us and our future:)

The Struggle.

Heya fellas.. It's been quite long i suppose? I haven't been writing again because i'm just mostly lazy and "quite" busy too. And the reason that i'm currently writing is still the same. If you've been reading my other post i guess you would know too. 

And before i start, i just wanna say i'm sorry if it's too fucking depressing:)

Life goes on. No matter you're ready or not, you still have to face the hardship of life. It will come to you sometimes. It gets tougher surely, but it will make you become a better person at the very least.

If people ask me, whether i have a huge problem or whatsoever, i'm gonna have to say no. Did i cause drama with people? No. Did i make someone mad? No. Am i currently struggling academically? No, oh well maybe a little. My life has always been pretty flat and the only problem that i've got, is within myself.

I can't really say specifically because i don't really understand it myself. But i know that i'm now miserable because apparently that's how my body and mind want to react.

Yes, i'm an extremely negative person. I tend to think everything pessimistically. And i always end up feeling horrible and sad.

People can't choose what they feel. That's what i thought. Or maybe i was wrong. Maybe i was the one who chose to feel that way, to make myself more and more miserable. Maybe this is also why i choose to hate myself.

My friends told me all sort of things like i have to love myself more, or that i have to think more positive, but they never work. Gosh, i don't even know how did i become this stubborn. The more problems i have, the more i become depressed, the more i think that i'm a really bad person and the more i despise myself.

These days, all i can feel is being tired. I'm tired. I don't know why and what i'm tired of but it's like something inside of me is slowly dying. Perhaps i'm tired of life, my own fucking life.

There's no really a solution to this problem rather than for me to change myself. I know life's gonna be even harder in the future so this is just one small challenge to make myself to be prepared for what's waiting in the future.

But i still don't understand what and how to do it. I'm confused and frustrated. Oh life, what have i become now?

In the end, some problems remain unsolved and i just have to wait until the time is right. When it's the right time, i know everything is gonna be alright again. I just have to wait and be patient. Everything happens for a reason after all.

Society and Their Judgement.

Apparently i just can't stop writing about depressing stuff. And yes this entry is gonna be about that. I thought i was gonna change, like i was gonna write something brighter or happier, but i guess all i'm good at is complaining when the situation is bad.

Well i guess i'm just gonna start whatever i'm gonna write.

Today. To simply put it, i thought today was gonna be great. Since i just came back from Jakarta, i had tons of funny and great experiences with my friend and it was just awesome. The day started normally at the course place and everything was still normal.

THEN i heard something unpleasant from one of my friend. Okay before i go through that, let's move back a week ago. Lately someone has been trying to get close to me. Yes a guy. That same guy who always pisses me off by borrowing my eraser and holding it with his unhygienic hand. (i'm that kind of person who is concerned about hygiene in an exaggerating way). What i can't stand is that he was holding his feet and then he dared to touch, and even grip on my eraser. GOSH that just did it. I was so angry at that time.

That's not all. He also asked all kinds of stupid questions that had been asked by other people from the first place. Did he even listen at what the teacher was saying? And apparently it's not just me who's annoyed by his presence.

By those 2 things, i was already annoyed by him. And it turned even worse when he started to try getting my attention. At first i didn't really care because it was not that visible. But days passed and it just got worse. Ah yes, i'm that kind of person who can't control my own emotion. I couldn't hide what i felt inside and it definitely showed through my expression. I was so annoyed.

And after those horrific days, it became even worse by his chat. At first i replied him in a extremely cold way. I didn't really care cause i was seriously pissed at that time. 

Then the next day came and i heard one of my friend said something that indicated me as a cold-hearted person. Ah well that's a harsher way to say it. And me who was always concerned about what other people think of me started feeling bad for him. So the next time he tried to talk to me, i responded not-so-coldheartedly.

After that i told my friends about it. And one of my friend told me to just ignore him, cause that was what she did previously, when she was also on the same class as him. Now i'm the one who's stuck with him. So i did what she told me. I never opened his messages anymore. Didn't even bother to respond.

Few days passed and it had come to today. One of my friend then told me that apparently he whom i ignored had told his friends about what i did. And she said that they found out about it because i replied other chats from other people but him. At first i didn't really care but i noticed something different. Like my class's atmosphere had become, quieter? Personally i enjoyed it more like that but i knew something was wrong. And i guess that was because of what i did to him.

The day continued by me playing tennis, and i hung out for a while with my friends from high school. Gosh i miss em so much. And i got that one chat from another one of my friend. At first he said something unnecessary, so i didn't really think that much and just replied him. Then after that he said something that seriously offended me. And yes, i got a strong feeling that this was also about my ignorance to that guy.

I'm the type of person who think too much. Especially whenever i'm alone, i think, i always think. And what he said got into my mind and i couldn't stop thinking about it. The more i think about it, the more i felt sad. I started making wild speculations. I mean if one person could say something like that about me, other definitely did the same.

Oh society and their judgements. I've never been critiqued about who i am before. I know everybody always judge, but this is my first time hearing about it. And oh my God, it hurts.

I've never really thought about other people's pain when they are being judged because of who they are. And now i know. It can be seriously hurtful and it was just mean.

Ah life. It really sucks when nobody understands you. I mean when i think about it, i've always been that kind of person who can't easily open up to other people. And up til this point of my life, i don't think i have even once been that close with other people. It's entirely my fault really, for being such a stupid dumb introvert, but i just find it so hard to talk about my real feelings.

I guess i'm also writing this because i want people to understand a little bit more about me. So they can understand whenever i did something absurdly.

I am not that kind of person that other people thought about me. I may act like a boy but my heart is not made of steel. I'm just a stupid crybaby who always overthink what other people feel or think. Of course i hate myself who is always like this, but no matter how hard i try not to cry, i always fail. And i guess that's just one part of me that i can't get rid of.

Again i'm reminded by what one of my friend had once said to me, "Life just gets harder when you're older. That's why other people always wish to go back to the past. That's why other people miss their high school  life."

That's exactly how i feel right now. My high school life might not be that 'living the dream' kind, but it was peaceful in a way. I knew my friends well, i didn't really have to make more friends because i already got them, and i didn't have to meet new people who could possibly disturb the plainness of my life.

Time passed in a blink of an eye. I miss my highschool life, friends, teachers, and everything i hate about my school, gosh i wish i could have them again in my life.

But i guess for every bad day that i'm having, i know i still have my family and friends who's still by my side. No matter how horrible i've been to them.

I have been losing my faith in almost anything or anyone but i guess this is just the beginning of my life. Oh it gets so hard and frustrating, but no matter what i still have to move on i guess.

Ah well, i'm gonna put this aside tomorrow and be prepared for my next challenge.

Sorry for the very long life complain, i just have to get this out of my mind and possibly let somebody know about how i feel. I may have sounded extremely annoying so i'm sorry if anything i said is seriously offending.

So in the end, i can only say this. I will possibly try my hardest at accepting other people for who they are and not judging them. It's definitely a very impossible thing to do, especially for me, but i will try to remind myself of today, about how a single word could hurt a person's feeling so much.

And let me also be clear about one last thing, i'm not trying to be a saint or whatever, i'm a mean person, everybody knows it. And this entry is just one of those days when i just wanna talk about the harsh reality in life.

Thoughts.

Finally, after being absent for half a year, I AM BACK B*TCHES....

And what's also great is the fact that this entry is not gonna be a depressing one, since all the previous ones were "quite" like that.

But this one entry is gonna be super random since it's so late and i have to sleep FAST or else my dad's gonna be pissed AGAIN :)

You can see what is this entry all about from the title. Without further do, here i GO.

• I am currently studying Deutsch. I don't hate the language, but the thought of memorizing of every single word and articles sickens me.
• Also very much obsessed with a blogger who lives in Berlin. Her blog is very inspiring and humorous. It got my spirit of studying DEUTSCH back too:D
• My super-maybe-not-so-impossible-goal-now: studying in german.
• Ah yes, after i didn't decided to not take my A Levels, i despise my old SCHOOL. (it's a long story) And hate it even more for every single day til this point.
• Been trying my best to become "mature" and "nicer". It's so hard since i'm so childish and selfish but still working on it.
• The older i get, the more i get to know myself even more. I'm temperamental, emotional, quiet, gloomy, easily depressed, overthinking, mean (like a b*tch and i enjoy being one) aaaand also easily disgusted. (may have develop OCD)
• As much as i like being around people, being alone is when i am able to enjoy my relaxing time the most.
• I always JUDGE other people. Sometimes i can't even accept them for who they are. That's probably one of the reason why i should just be left alone.
• (copying this from a website) I prefer to lead my life FREE. Freedom is something that can't be taken away from meh.
• In the end, i'm also one of those mainstream people who miss their highschool life. (on the 11th grade only though) Life does get harder the older you get.
• I still wonder what is the right and wrong thing to do. Sometimes it confuses me.
• Believe it or not, people like me, who are too lazy to even talk, exist in this world.
• Starting a youtube channel has always been my dream since 11th grade. But still no progress at all until now. (yes, i am full of sh*t)
• Just had the realization that i only like depressing songs. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

And i guess that's all, since i don't really know what else to write.

I'm gonna be writing more oftenly these days, HOPEFULLY. So when i look back in time, i will be able to remember all those funny and sad memories that i had in life.

It's time for me to go. Ciao~su!

Life.

Hiyaa~! it's been such a long time, I KNOW. But apparently laziness has officially taken over my life, like real bad. Well at the very least i'm still able to enjoy my life and survive with all this madness in the world lol. anyway, it's super late already but i really wanna write something up. I've been meaning to write this for in the past, but because i was still very much overwhelmed by the emotion so i decided not to. It's for the best anyway.

Basically now i'm in that situation when someone feels like that person doesn't belong anywhere. And the surrounding is just, awkward. How to say this, but it's the kind of feeling when you feel like isolated even if you're not actually alone. Like there's some kind of a barrier that you can't penetrate between you and others. Or probably we're just that certain kind of people that don't really get along with each other because we're so different. From our sense of humor to our personality. And those differences started the whole barrier thing from the start. And it sucked and sucks.

At least i'm a much stronger person now, emotionally i mean. Usually i easily broke down over stuff like this and it was really pathetic. Sometimes i couldn't even handle the emotion anymore, it was tearing me apart so badly. Most importantly, i became aware that i actually felt really empty inside. *wow that was deep lol*

It was hard living like that and apparently now it's happening again. It's even worse now since most of my close friends are away. But I don't know whether it's me who has finally been disconnected or maybe it's always been like that without me realizing it. While leaving is not on option, and if i actually leave, where can i go anyway? Even if i desperately want to. So i guess i'll just be here for the remaining time until it's finally time to leave. And all i can do now is to stand strong and hold my head high all the time.

Becoming older made me able to think more rationally, i guess. I'm still super sensitive but at least i'm able to control my emotion a LITTLE bit better now. I don't know whether i've actually become a real adult *teehee* or i'm actually changing into a better person than i used to be. It's extremely hard to do this, but i think if i were able to survive this, i would definitely be harder to be defeated  by the harsh living in the real world. *weird sentence but whocares -u-*

To me this hardship is really tough and torturous at the same time, but if i compare it to other teenager's problem it would probably be the least hard. That even adds more reason why this shouldn't be a matter of concern. Definitely.

Just like what the quote says, "life is full of ups and downs". Many problems exist in ways that we can't even imagine. But there's always the light of hope that makes us believe that everything's gonna turn well. And being able to follow that light is the hardest part that we must do. 

Well, that's basically how life works, which makes it really hard to live on.:)

Things can never be the same anymore now. Now i finally able to understand my own feelings. Then also, i constantly repeat to myself that i will finally find something better some time in the future.

Next Stop After Summer Holiday, SCHOOL.

Waaaat up folks! Yes, it is me again and i'm finally back writing somehow.

After experiencing 2 week holiday, i will now tell yall all about it. And before continue reading, i hereby apologize for the boringness that you're about to read because my vacation is just simply LAME. :) and the other stuff that i wrote is even worse:):):)

So Bali was my family's destination for vacationing eventhough i strongly against it. Why? Cause on october, i'll then again go to Bali with my friggin school. *sigh*

But i guess Bali wasn't that bad. Eventhough i personally prefer going to modern cities *obnoxious metropolitan girl* HAHA

n i guess the beaches weren't that bad... But the most enjoyable one was definitely THE VIEW. ;;) *if you know what i mean lol*

aside from Bali, i spent the whole vacation by idling around at home. Basically, all i did was eat, watch, read and sleep. And the consequences of this kind of unhealthy lifestyle is becoming a PIG:)

There is so much to write but i don't wanna make this entry too long and boring so i guess i would just simplify them into several points:

• I'm starting to concern about my future. I still don't know what university i will go to and what major should i pick. It's starting to tear me up pieces by pieces._. GAH i'm so friggin stressed out just thinking about this STUPID MATTER UGH. *dies* i also think that forensic science will probably be an interesting major to study, aside of nutrition ofcoo.
• GOSH school starts already and i am most definitely not EXCITED at all.
• *sigh* my friends back when i was in elementary school have graduated and possibly gone to college while i'm still stuck in THE high school and it's kinda sad really ;_;
• Most of my ex-classmates are also gone for good. Most of them went abroad, leaving me alone in this mighty school. SADDDD AGAIN:(
• I currently have no money like SERIOUSLY. I blame it on my addiction of comic books and other unnecessary spending on the holidays~ 
• I've started to learn how to play tennis and i'm getting better and better! *i think* But i really enjoy playing it anyways and that's all that matter. *eventhough it took me SOME TIME to be able to hit the ball properly*
• Ah, i forgot to write this earlier, but i finally experienced staying overnight at the hospital and being infused. *i don't know if thats the right word, watevs anyway*
• I also got a new glasses since i lost my previous one while i was in bali playing jetski. My dad even said this to me: "WHAT KIND OF PERSON USE GLASSES WHILE PLAYING JET SKI FOR GOD'S SAKES!" lol *pardon the exaggeration*
• I've kind of lost my motivation to study so i decided to buy a new pencil case to lift my spirit up! *don't judge* =D
• My ipod is nowhere to be found until now so yea i think i've lost it..... :'(
• YOUTUBE and MANGAFOX have been such a big part of my holiday. and yes i'm still very much addicted watching Connor Franta's videos. He's my idol and fashion guru!;;)
• I've become so unfaithful on watching american series. Meaning: i only watched half season of a series and ended up not finishing any of it. i guess i got bored very easily..
• There are so many things that i desperately need *i meanwant* but my financial condition doesn't support it. There are headphones, comic books, super cool backpack, a pair of new stiletto, dresses and mostly comic books anyways TEEHEE
• Somehow, my life has turned into some kind of a comic sketch because of the stupidness and embarrassing experienceS i've had recently. Don't ask.. TT~TT

well i guess that's all to tell. Again, I'm sorry if it's really boring... I'm still in no mood of thinking anything besides my mysteriously creepy future. 

Okay folks, enjoy your day and i hope you'll be able to survive this new school year.

HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS~! *yay* *sarcastically*

this is the real ending so bye! HAHAH

Ciaosuuu~!!!

One Night...

It all happened in just one single night. Not everything was bad but the bad things seemed to have overcome the good things..

Sorry for the very depressing intro, but i honestly don't know what am i supposed to do anymore, it's been a fun depressing day...

SO

Tonight was one of my closest friend's birthday celebration. And i happened to be one of the dancer for her party:D

Yes, we're getting to the fun stuff HAHA

Let's just say that the birthday girl is called I. so a couple of days ago, I has told me that my crush is gonna be at the party. Ofcourse i was excited at first, i mean, it's been long since the last i saw him:) But what i didn't realize was the fact that i also have to dance in front of him:|

I didn't think that he would actually be in front of me, seeing me dance but i was WRONG. He was right in front of me and O.M.G. All the dance moves that i've memorised the day earlier came into a HUGE BLANK. I didn't remember anything and my mind couldn't stop itself from being stressed out. Yes, i totally humiliated myself, in front of my crush, awesome.

Ok, i've accepted the fact that my image was already ruined. It's not like i expected something better either *sigh*

Anyway the party started and blablabla.. Somehow it was really awkward for me whenever he was near me:/ i guess i still KINDA idolize him lol

It sounds really creepy, but i couldn't help myself to not stare at him==" i know that i'm such a lame stalker but it was the only thing that i couldn't stop myself from doing it:>

So the night proceed well and yes he looked soo cool throughout the night and again, he's made another good impression~~~ Not to mention how well dressed he was tonight:D *totally exaggerating but whocares*

But for me, the best part was that i could finally listen to his voice. Again, why am i so creepy OMG

It was the first time and i was somehow happy because of that... weird meee~:DDDD i guess i have to thank I again n again for making all this happen to me! *hugs*

There are still alot of things that i'd like to talk about him but i don't wanna bore u with all the facts why he's so admirable and stuff:)

moving on to the second thing.

A really bad thing has happened to one of my closest friend. I'm not gonna say a name and i feel so sorry for her:( She kept blaming her self and didn't stop crying again and again. And as usual, as the most useless friend in the world, i didn't know what was the right thing to say or what can i say to cheer her up.

It was really sad for me to watch her suffer like that:( I really suck when it comes to consoling upset people. Since i'm not exactly that smart or knowledgeable about human psychology.......

But i hope what i did was enough.. I tried my best already, by giving her my useless advice and i can't do anything else besides wishing her nothing but happiness:D

anddd finally the last thing that had happened tonight...

On my way home, i got a message from my teacher, asking whether i've received a mail or no. Then it hit me, i remembered what I said that she was very worried for this week because this week was the final decision whether you were gonna pass the grade or NO. And i remembered her saying that if she got a mail, it would mean that she has failed.

Instead, i was the one who was screwed.

My mind went blank all of a sudden. I didn't know whether i was supposed to be happy or to be sad. I mean, if i didn't pass the grade, i would probably be transferred to the bilingual class. I said to myself that i was prepared to do this since i got along with most of the people and stuff, but something in my heart felt like sighing again and again.

I guess what made me feel that way was the fact that I HAVE FAILED MYSELF. 

And it's not just me who i have failed, there's also my dad whom i've disappointed:(

But when i think about it again, i guess my dad would be happier if i joined the bilingual programmed since it would definitely ease his burden.

okay, end of stories~

In the end, i still believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether it's a good or bad thing, It all happens because it's what's good for me. According to God ofcourse..

I guess everything has its own positive side:) if i joined the bilingual class, maybe my life would change into a better one? maybe i'll gain more friends than before? And what's even better is that i don't have to take the stupid A level examination when everyone's already on vacation:p

AND i also have to remember that i have to thank God for the good things that have happened to me today:)))))))) yes, i guess i'm still very much happy about that~

So folks, whether you think that your life sucks very much now or no, you should read what i just wrote>:D it's not like i'm trying to show off or anything, but i hope i can help more people to try to do what i'm doing:) It's definitely a rough road, but we still have to face it with optimism in the end;;)

Ok, i guess that's the end for today's depressing yet pleasant-ing entry..

Hope u guys enjoy it and i hope it's also gonna be helpful HAHA

BYEEE

Ciaosuuu!~~~

WORST.NIGHT.EVER.

Ok, so something really horrible just happened to me:) And actually, it happened just now. Exactly on this cursed night of the 25th May 2013. Once again, I have succeeded in making a very BAD impression to my friend's parents:)

And that's exactly why i want to write this. So that in the future, i won't do the same thing and NEVER EVER LET THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN ;_;

Yes, i'm still freaking out about what just happened, but i'm gonna try to calm myself and start writing the story......

Today started horribly. I woke up late with my hair, being messy as always. When i looked at my watch, apparently it was already 10. On that moment, i knew that i barely had time to get ready to go. I had to run here and there, just to prepare the things that i might need for my friend's sweet seventeen dinner party on the night. Then at around 11, my dad, me and my sister with her friend went to V's house since i thought it would be nice to hang around her house and then go to the dinner party together.

I had a pretty good time there. We watched, cooked and talked about nonsense stuffs like we always do. Then at 3.30 we started to prepare ourselves for the dinner party, and finally went together at 6. Most of V's classmates who were invited didn't come so there were not many people there. Then i talked to my friends and blablabla. And somehow the conversation between me and V came to a point where we talked about how badly i behave at her house.____________.

Apparently her dad thought that i was not polite enough as a teenager. And damn. It was like a cannon bomb was fired at me. The guilty feeling inside of me was eating me up. That thought kept reminding me how impolite i was everytime i was at her house, or my other friends' house. it was indeed stressful and i was about to go crazy at that time. I spent the rest of my time on the party by thinking how horrible my image is to her parents.

Ah, before i reached that conversation, i talked to my dad about what time will he pick me up. And apparently he had to eat and do stuff first before he could pick me up. So i decided that it would be a good idea if i just went to V's house and my dad would then pick me up from there.

When we were on our way to V's house (along with her mother and sister), her mom suggested to take me home. I literally ran out of words. I didn't know what to say or what should i do. I had tried everything to refuse the offer countless time. I felt even more terrible after she decided to drive me home instead.

Finally i gave up and just go along with it. I mean, what could possibly go even more wrong?

THEN another unfortunate moment happened as soon as i reached home. I completely forgot that my house maids always slept at around 8.30 because they thought that the whole family would arrive at home late. So as soon as i reached home. i tried to press the bell again and again. It didn't work:) And my house maids were still sleeping soundly. I started to freak out since it started to rain. V's mom then told me to wait inside the car before the front gate was opened.

Inside the car, i tried calling the house. Then something SHITTY happened again. once again i forgot that my phone can't be used to call since no more credit were left. SO YES, i have to borrow V's phone in order to call the house. I tried countless times to call the house but it did not work:) so i tried calling my dad and he didn't answer:) i tried calling my driver to ask my house maids' numbers and he hung up the phone:)

How can i not freak out in this kind of situation??????????

I'd tried almost everything that i could to wake those STUPID MAIDS up and nothing worked. Even V's mom had tried to honk the car for several times. And nothing seemed to work. I was desperate and I panicked. And in the midst of the chaos situation, i said something that kind of indicated that V's mom shouldn't had taken me home. I literally about to killed myself when i realized about what i just said.

Then i finally got an idea to end this SUPER AWKWARD SITUATION.

I climbed the front gate and started banging the door like crazy. I kept banging and banging the door, hoping that those STUPID MAIDS would finally wake up and save me from this hell. And after a minute of two, the front door was finally opened. I was so pissed and glad at the same time.

After that i took my bags from V's car and while apologizing again and again at the same time. And apparently, her phone that i used to call my house, dad and driver was inside one of my bag. Yes, another unfortunate situation i suppose. So after all that, V's family finally went home safely. And me? I'm feeling more than guilty than ever until this point.

So folks, from this embarrassing situation of mine, you can learn that you must always think before you act. Because your actions could end up with bad consequences that you have to take. And trust me, it did not feel good at ALL:)

So i guess that's all for today. Starting to get sick of writing and i didn't wanna make my entry too long.

SO SEE YALL NEXT TIME!

Ciaosuuuu~!!!!

Friendship Matters...

Hiya folks!

So sorry for not updating a new entry for so long, i've just been so busy with my life and stuff:) AND yes, it's been fun and sad at the same time, but i've managed to survive until this very day, which is a pretty awesome achievement of myself HAHA

so now, what you're about to read is a super boring dumb story called my life:) actually, just a part of it and i still consider this as a very important part of my life:) so prepare to be bored by the longest, yet the most terrible entry ever made by ME. ENJOY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Her name is S.S. We met when we were in 6th grade. Eventhough we went to the same school for 5 years, we haven't been on the same class until the 6th year, which is our last year in elementary school. Our class is the mighty 6A which consist of the most awesome people among the other 6 graders.

Being a kid, i was super shy. I couldn't talk very well since i was SUPER SHY. not to mention that i was one of the shortest kid in the class== So yeah, i didn't have any courage to initiate a conversation with people back then._. i was just...quiet. Especially in a new class, i still didn't know some of the people and it was just, AWKWARD.

THEN, after a few weeks being in 6A, the teacher arranged the seating arrangement. I sat next to a boy *whose name i don't remember* and the table beside me is where S sat. And that was how we met for the first time.

I didn't really remember, but i'm pretty sure that she was the one who started talking to me first. Then i thought, this girl was so friendly and nice, maybe i can be friends with her!

And apparently i was right.

After a few days only, we started to fool around together by calling each other nicknames. I called her "onion" (in indonesia: bombay) while she called me "chili" (in indonesia: cabe). I absolutely have no idea where we came up with such stupid nicknamesLOL but it was so memorable:)

THEN, we started to give each other drawings of our nicknames in almost every lesson. so basically i drew her evil onions while she drew me evil chilis. We were so weird, laughing when nobody was, like we had the world to ourselves. It was one of the most beautiful memories i have in life, having fun with her:')

After doing doing that like for numerous times, she started approaching me everytime. like in the breaks, p.e. time, etc. I did pretty much the same as her. I enjoyed being with her, so it's obvious that i like being around her too.

Honestly, after 7 years studying in my school, i've never felt like i actually have a best friend. but i was just a stupid kid who knows nothing about the world, so i'm perfectly fine with just having friends. Then she happened to me. and my life got awesome all of a sudden.

From that moment on, we instantly became best friends. We texted each other all the time and i didn't even remember what we were talking about, but i do know that we had lots of fun together.

Back then, when i hadn't known her, i always visited my friend in other class on breaks. but after meeting her, i started to hang with her close friends. And i guess my social life turns a little better after that.LOL

there was also one time, on arts and crafts lesson, we were supposed to make something out of disgusting brown claysLOL. and we always sat next to each other whenever we can. So after the lesson, there were some left over clays. then i had an idea of making an onion figure from the left over clays for her. 

i didn't really remember whether i told her to make one for me to or she made a chili figure by her own will.

Then we ended up exchanging the weird clay figures to each other. And yes, i still kept the clay>:D

here's the mighty chili clay! *sorry for being too lazy to rotate the pic*

One of the fondest memory i have about her, was when we promised each other to meet up early at school just to read comics. I didn't really know why but i really enjoyed those times. I remember reading a comic that was so funny cuz the main character had a super weird pair of eyebrows== and at one of those early mornings when we were together, i told her to read the comic and just like what i thought, she laughed so hard like someone was tickling her nonstop.

Then i started laughing hard too while looking at the funny eyebrows and listening to her laughter. and we both laughed like crazy until people started coming to class.

I also remember that she was a sesat and good influence to me at the same time. cuz after getting to know her, i started copying homeworks from others>:) but since she was SOOO diligent about her studies, i started studying well too, not like i used to== since i didn't wanna be left behind by her too far.

On holidays, i would visit her house for almost everyday and we played computer games the whole time we were together. she introduced me to great games like sims 2, neighbors from hell, hotel giant, and other computer games that i still like playing until today. She got all the awesome GAMES from her big brother so i was kinda jealous of her back thenLOL *i was desperate by wanting to have an older brother at that time*

I was still so crazy about animes too back then, and when visiting her house, i would watch the funny anime dvds that i just bought with her. but one reason why i like visiting her house so much is actually because i loved eating the food there #plak

but seriously, the food was good there, so.........

Until today, my memory of her is still crystal clear, like how much she was obsessed with doraemon== n i still don't understand what's so cute about a blue cat robot who has a magic pocket that can stick to his tummyROFL *no offense S*

All of you will probably say that i'm totally exaggerating this matter. and actually, if i read this kind of post a few years back, i would probably say the same thing.

And all this exaggeration wouldn't be written if i didn't realize how super nice she is.

It was when all the 6th graders went to Gambung since we're just about to graduate. i recall that I didn't feel so well when i arrived at that place so i decided to use some kayuputih oil to my stomach to make me feel better.

apparently she didn't really like the smell of kayu putih oil so she covered her nose and stuff and said things that i don't remember:D

folks, i was still a DUMB kid, so you have to understand that after she acted that way, i became angry and isolate myself from her and her group *which was actually my group too*

for half the day, i spent myself hanging out with my friends from other class._.

Then on the night she approached me and all of a sudden, we started talking again. And i stopped acting like an *ssh*l*;)

i didn't realize this after a few years graduated from elementary school. when i was around 15/16, i realized that i was SUCH A J*CK*SS to her by getting mad because of something that stupid. *in my defense, i was just a dumb kid back then:(*

But the one important thing that i also realize is that, she could stand being around someone like me. even after i ditched her just like that just because of a STUPID matter. 

As a matter of fact, i think of myself as a horrible person. i'm selfish, complains a lot, impatience and also kinda dumb:)

so to all of you who are still friends with me, i want to thank yall, for still being able to stand someone like me and having me in your lives.. i know that i haven't been the "greatest" friend ever, but i'm gonna try my hardest to, so please, give me the chance to do so:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FUH, what a long entryy~

but it's over:) and i'm super tired of typing UGH

anyways, thx for reading and i hope you enjoy today's entry n i hope i can get a good night sleep tonight:) *wtf*

soo it's the end for today! n i'm gonna end it with a simple........BYE.

n

Ciaosuuu~~~~

Opening Up A New Chapter Of Life...

YES, it's 30 more minutes before the mighty new year. and YES again, i'm as sleepy as hell right now..

I can't stop yawning like crazy while the super noisy fireworks can't stop making loud noise which is annoying==

N No i am not drunk while writing this entry, evnthough i very much sound like i am, but i'm just very" dizzy since i'd eaten so much meat n soft drink. Now i'm not even sure where my mind is floating to #yawning

Rite, so 2013 is coming soon.

• do i have regrets from the things i've done in 2012?

PLENTY

But what can i do anyway? It's all been done, and the best that i can do is to look forward to the future and never look back.

• what are the best memories from the mighty year of 2012?

Not that much, but there's owl city, the mighty malang trip, PEDC and some new crushes of mine HAHA

• do i look forward for this new year of 2013?

Noooot really:) I mean, i'm still gonna be the same me, who's always easily frustrated and depressed. Not to mention how often i complain about my awsome life. AND how annoying i always am to people. WITH the laziness that's always within me. Still the same as ever.

• any new year resolution?

A LOT. not sure i can do all of em tho, especially the part about being diligent, have more confidence, being more outgoing person n most importantly, not annoy people most of the time.

END OF NEW YEAR THINGY TALK.

so i'm not really sure what this entry is all about, but i just wanna write something before this year is offcially over.

so a message for the mighty 2012:

Dear 2012, i know that you haven't been exactly my favorite year ever, since most of the time in this year, i get depressed even more oftenly and easily. And lots of weird things happened in this year. Some good, some bad. And it's gonna be so weird when i'm looking back to all of this. Despite all of that, i'm also glad to have this year in my life, since i can meet new people, get to know my crazy fun friends much better and also get along more with my family members. So good bye 2012, we'll never meet again, but i'll surely remember you. You're memorable in both good and bad ways:)

RITE, this entry is getting even weirder and weirder.__.

So it's 15 more mins before new year, which means i have to go!

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS

MAY ALL THE BLESSING BE WITH ALL OF YOU

AND MAY THIS NEW YEAR BE A NEW BEGINNING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EVEN BETTER

AND ALSO TO OTHERS \m/

Ciaosuuuu~!!!!

The Future Is Waiting For Us...

Yes indeed, nobody can't deny that. The future is something that everyone is waiting for. And nobody knows what's gonna happen in the future, which concerns me even more...

So basically, i'm writing this because i just had an argument with my dad because i asked him something.

Why did i ask? The answer was simple, I was curious.

A few days ago, me and my dad met this agent from AXEL? to discuss about the result of test about my interest and personality 2 weeks ago..

So basically, the test's result was pretty accurate to me, especially about my personality. Not to mention about my interest, which mostly was about my choice of major for university.

It was nutrition/dietitian.. i was pretty happy with the result, since i know i love biology and nutrition but apparently, my dad didn't think so...

On our way back, i asked him about how was the meeting with the agent and stuff. I wondered about what did he think about me being a nutritionist and stuff. And after getting his answer, somehow i just got the impression that he wasn't all agreeing about the whole nutritionist stuff. I stayed silent, the end of discussion.

Moving on today, once again i asked him, why did he thought that being a nutritionist is good? Why did he say so?

And i got all the answer that i need.

Apparently, he was concerned about the tuition, since the agent said that it could be expensive.

He also kept talking about how in here, in my EFFING country, Nutritionists are still not that needed.

Then i answered back furiously, by saying that i don't even wanna live in this pitiful country anymore! I wanna get out of here, as soon as i can! but then he replied by saying stuffs that i didn't even listened anymore...

He was also talking about SOMETHING which practically meant that it didn't matter what kind of job women have, since they would finally end up stay at home and take care of their children.

I was offended. Like how could he say that? He doesn't even know a thing about me! Does he even know that i'm still considering whether i wanna get married or not? How could he know that i would quit my job just to take care of children that i might don't even want to have?

I'm sorry dad, but i'm just not that kind of girl/woman. I'm not an ordinary woman who's willing to do anything just to have a happy family with lots of children.

I don't even know what i want!

I don't even know what does my dad want me to be? A business person like my cousin? Not a chance. Well maybe after seeing me fail, he would actually realize that i can't do business, since i use my feelings A LOT.

but i know what i have to do to survive this cruel adult world. By having a decent job. And i have chosen what i wanna to pursue. What i want to be when i'm an adult.

Maybe, just maybe, i'll change my mind after meeting a guy. But still, i don't wanna be told. I don't care if nobody loves me because of that, but it's my FUCKING LIFE.

I deserve to be happy with my own way.. Maybe i'll have a family, but it doesn't mean i wanna quit my job just because of THAT.

My present self doesn't even like children now.. My friends told me like a thousand times already that my point of view might change after i have a children, but guess wat? I don't have one now and i do k now that i still don't like children even now...

I deeply know that God has a plan for all of us. Even the ones who don't really appreciate life, like myself. So why do i have to be worried? Why do people have to be worried when they know that their lives have already been planned by God. And they should also know that the mighty plan that He has made isn't just a plan, it's a beautiful master plan that God has made to make us happy.

I have been having a motivational problem, since i've been like more than lazy these couple of weeks. And the only thing that i could actually study and have fun at the same time is Biology. I love that subject, i do. And why is it so wrong?

I mean i don't wanna become an artisan, musician, or even actress, i actually wanna be a nutritionist which is actually pretty hard n cool and it just so happens that it's what i love to do. My dad should've been more appreciative, since  didn't choose majors like design, arts n stuff. Since i know that his narrow mind wouldn't believe that such majors would help me survive later in the future.

Sometimes i wonder, would i be appreciated if i were more normal? like other girls? my friends? who actually want children and have a big happy family?

Am i actually right about not wanting any children if i know that i couldn't be able to take care of them? People said that they don't wanna live alone and miserable in the future, so they MAKE children.

Well you know wat, i don't care about that.

Maybe i'll regret this decision SO much later in the future, but i still think that it's pretty selfish if you want to have children just because you don't wanna be alone when ur an elder.

I hope that i can actually find my real reason to have children. I really do hope so.

Am i just too careless to not fear the future? I don't even know if that's wrong or right.

But whatever happens in the future, i'll still appreciate it, i'll try my best to... because i know that it's the story of MY LIFE. and God has made the perfect plan to make it blossom into happiness that i can't even imagine.