Society and Their Judgement.

Apparently i just can't stop writing about depressing stuff. And yes this entry is gonna be about that. I thought i was gonna change, like i was gonna write something brighter or happier, but i guess all i'm good at is complaining when the situation is bad.

Well i guess i'm just gonna start whatever i'm gonna write.

Today. To simply put it, i thought today was gonna be great. Since i just came back from Jakarta, i had tons of funny and great experiences with my friend and it was just awesome. The day started normally at the course place and everything was still normal.

THEN i heard something unpleasant from one of my friend. Okay before i go through that, let's move back a week ago. Lately someone has been trying to get close to me. Yes a guy. That same guy who always pisses me off by borrowing my eraser and holding it with his unhygienic hand. (i'm that kind of person who is concerned about hygiene in an exaggerating way). What i can't stand is that he was holding his feet and then he dared to touch, and even grip on my eraser. GOSH that just did it. I was so angry at that time.

That's not all. He also asked all kinds of stupid questions that had been asked by other people from the first place. Did he even listen at what the teacher was saying? And apparently it's not just me who's annoyed by his presence.

By those 2 things, i was already annoyed by him. And it turned even worse when he started to try getting my attention. At first i didn't really care because it was not that visible. But days passed and it just got worse. Ah yes, i'm that kind of person who can't control my own emotion. I couldn't hide what i felt inside and it definitely showed through my expression. I was so annoyed.

And after those horrific days, it became even worse by his chat. At first i replied him in a extremely cold way. I didn't really care cause i was seriously pissed at that time. 

Then the next day came and i heard one of my friend said something that indicated me as a cold-hearted person. Ah well that's a harsher way to say it. And me who was always concerned about what other people think of me started feeling bad for him. So the next time he tried to talk to me, i responded not-so-coldheartedly.

After that i told my friends about it. And one of my friend told me to just ignore him, cause that was what she did previously, when she was also on the same class as him. Now i'm the one who's stuck with him. So i did what she told me. I never opened his messages anymore. Didn't even bother to respond.

Few days passed and it had come to today. One of my friend then told me that apparently he whom i ignored had told his friends about what i did. And she said that they found out about it because i replied other chats from other people but him. At first i didn't really care but i noticed something different. Like my class's atmosphere had become, quieter? Personally i enjoyed it more like that but i knew something was wrong. And i guess that was because of what i did to him.

The day continued by me playing tennis, and i hung out for a while with my friends from high school. Gosh i miss em so much. And i got that one chat from another one of my friend. At first he said something unnecessary, so i didn't really think that much and just replied him. Then after that he said something that seriously offended me. And yes, i got a strong feeling that this was also about my ignorance to that guy.

I'm the type of person who think too much. Especially whenever i'm alone, i think, i always think. And what he said got into my mind and i couldn't stop thinking about it. The more i think about it, the more i felt sad. I started making wild speculations. I mean if one person could say something like that about me, other definitely did the same.

Oh society and their judgements. I've never been critiqued about who i am before. I know everybody always judge, but this is my first time hearing about it. And oh my God, it hurts.

I've never really thought about other people's pain when they are being judged because of who they are. And now i know. It can be seriously hurtful and it was just mean.

Ah life. It really sucks when nobody understands you. I mean when i think about it, i've always been that kind of person who can't easily open up to other people. And up til this point of my life, i don't think i have even once been that close with other people. It's entirely my fault really, for being such a stupid dumb introvert, but i just find it so hard to talk about my real feelings.

I guess i'm also writing this because i want people to understand a little bit more about me. So they can understand whenever i did something absurdly.

I am not that kind of person that other people thought about me. I may act like a boy but my heart is not made of steel. I'm just a stupid crybaby who always overthink what other people feel or think. Of course i hate myself who is always like this, but no matter how hard i try not to cry, i always fail. And i guess that's just one part of me that i can't get rid of.

Again i'm reminded by what one of my friend had once said to me, "Life just gets harder when you're older. That's why other people always wish to go back to the past. That's why other people miss their high school  life."

That's exactly how i feel right now. My high school life might not be that 'living the dream' kind, but it was peaceful in a way. I knew my friends well, i didn't really have to make more friends because i already got them, and i didn't have to meet new people who could possibly disturb the plainness of my life.

Time passed in a blink of an eye. I miss my highschool life, friends, teachers, and everything i hate about my school, gosh i wish i could have them again in my life.

But i guess for every bad day that i'm having, i know i still have my family and friends who's still by my side. No matter how horrible i've been to them.

I have been losing my faith in almost anything or anyone but i guess this is just the beginning of my life. Oh it gets so hard and frustrating, but no matter what i still have to move on i guess.

Ah well, i'm gonna put this aside tomorrow and be prepared for my next challenge.

Sorry for the very long life complain, i just have to get this out of my mind and possibly let somebody know about how i feel. I may have sounded extremely annoying so i'm sorry if anything i said is seriously offending.

So in the end, i can only say this. I will possibly try my hardest at accepting other people for who they are and not judging them. It's definitely a very impossible thing to do, especially for me, but i will try to remind myself of today, about how a single word could hurt a person's feeling so much.

And let me also be clear about one last thing, i'm not trying to be a saint or whatever, i'm a mean person, everybody knows it. And this entry is just one of those days when i just wanna talk about the harsh reality in life.