The Struggle.

Heya fellas.. It's been quite long i suppose? I haven't been writing again because i'm just mostly lazy and "quite" busy too. And the reason that i'm currently writing is still the same. If you've been reading my other post i guess you would know too. 

And before i start, i just wanna say i'm sorry if it's too fucking depressing:)

Life goes on. No matter you're ready or not, you still have to face the hardship of life. It will come to you sometimes. It gets tougher surely, but it will make you become a better person at the very least.

If people ask me, whether i have a huge problem or whatsoever, i'm gonna have to say no. Did i cause drama with people? No. Did i make someone mad? No. Am i currently struggling academically? No, oh well maybe a little. My life has always been pretty flat and the only problem that i've got, is within myself.

I can't really say specifically because i don't really understand it myself. But i know that i'm now miserable because apparently that's how my body and mind want to react.

Yes, i'm an extremely negative person. I tend to think everything pessimistically. And i always end up feeling horrible and sad.

People can't choose what they feel. That's what i thought. Or maybe i was wrong. Maybe i was the one who chose to feel that way, to make myself more and more miserable. Maybe this is also why i choose to hate myself.

My friends told me all sort of things like i have to love myself more, or that i have to think more positive, but they never work. Gosh, i don't even know how did i become this stubborn. The more problems i have, the more i become depressed, the more i think that i'm a really bad person and the more i despise myself.

These days, all i can feel is being tired. I'm tired. I don't know why and what i'm tired of but it's like something inside of me is slowly dying. Perhaps i'm tired of life, my own fucking life.

There's no really a solution to this problem rather than for me to change myself. I know life's gonna be even harder in the future so this is just one small challenge to make myself to be prepared for what's waiting in the future.

But i still don't understand what and how to do it. I'm confused and frustrated. Oh life, what have i become now?

In the end, some problems remain unsolved and i just have to wait until the time is right. When it's the right time, i know everything is gonna be alright again. I just have to wait and be patient. Everything happens for a reason after all.